Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
