There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm just crazy horny about you
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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