Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
