I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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