I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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