I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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