The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
