Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
