so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
