Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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