whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
