Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
vagina is talking i cant
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
