You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
