So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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