I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
