i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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