Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i will never coherently bang her
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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