i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
