I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
