ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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