i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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