Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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