You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize