I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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