What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
