i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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