woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
