you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
