I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want to make out with him forever
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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