Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
