all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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