Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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