you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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