My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
