I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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