Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
