New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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