I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize