Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
