Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
