I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize