why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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