Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
