I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
