you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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