hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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