Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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