i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize