we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
