I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
