So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
