I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
