Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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