do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
