Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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