Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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