sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
