youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize