Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
