nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
