Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
