Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
