okay pat passed out under dana's car
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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