if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
