what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i believe in u and ur pee
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize