I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
