u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
